There have been a lot of days lately where I have questioned what in the world I am doing.
I was warned by several people that these times would happen. The crushing weight of self-doubt that would make you wonder why you didn’t just stick with whatever you were doing before. Occasionally wishing that you still were. And praying that you will make it through because the idea of failure is always lurking.
I never expected to go through this so early. Or so often. I waver back on forth (on pretty much a weekly basis) on being happy with what I’m doing. While this week I’m more on the questioning my sanity end, I know that by next week I’ll probably swing back to the happy I’m working on my Ph.D. end.
I get called several times a week to sub. Every time I have to say no, I just feel so sad. I made a comment to a colleague yesterday that I think I need to go spend some time with the little kids because they usually make me feel better. That, and they might help validate my life choice. Of course, I got a phone call to sub about an hour later.
While I get a lot of comments about how I would be a good elementary teacher, the idea that I might help make the field better is what keeps me going. I know that in order to make it to the research part I need to make it through some of the basics (like icky statistics). But in the meantime I find myself wishing for something different. At the very least, a little less self-doubt, and a little more self-confidence. Better grades on my statistics tests would help.
I know I am in the place I am supposed to be. I know that God placed me here for a reason. I just wish I could find a little bit of serenity along the way.