Do you ever have a bad day, and it just seems to put you into a funk for the next couple of days? I’m trying to battle my way out of one at the moment.
I’m not exactly sure what set it off; I think it’s been a combination of things.
First, I found out Thursday night that my Fulbright application was denied. Although I mostly felt relief (I don’t think I would really want to spend nine months in Italy without my husband), the sting of rejection still hurts. Not to mention, I had just enrolled myself in an Italian class EARLIER that day. Sigh.
Then, (during the same instance of reading e-mails) I was encouraged to apply for a Fellowship for the Ph.D. program I’ve applied for. Simultaneously, two thoughts popped into my head: great, another thing to get rejected from; and, how did I forget to apply for this? I’ve known for months about this Fellowship, and totally forgot. Now, I have to scramble to write an essay, and find three letters of recommendation by Tuesday, all because my brain forgets EVERYTHING. Most people don’t know it, but I’ve been struggling for most of my life to put systems in place to prevent things like this from happening–sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. My memory is atrocious. But perhaps I forgot because I really don’t think I’ll get in to the Ph.D. program anyways, my brain whispers. Funny how one rejection can lead you to doubt everything.
So, here I am, trying to quickly assemble an awesome essay, and ignore all feelings of inadequacy. I know that everything works out for the best. In the end, everything will be fine. I may get into the Ph.D. program; I may not. If not, I’ll just find a job, which is fine–I love teaching. If I can’t find a job, I’ll sub. The husband and I will make whatever we’re handed work.
In the meantime, I just wish I trusted life a little more, and stressed a little less.