Today at church, Father Gary used the famous phrase, “Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” Oftentimes in life, we are unhappy with the way things are going, but continue through it the same way, always hoping that it will change. He challenged us to think about what we are doing differently to fulfill whatever change it is we desire.
I’m laughing a little at myself as I type this. I know something is missing from my status quo, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. It’s hard to work towards change, when you don’t even know what you’re working for.
Every day I feel more torn about what I’m working for. A teaching job? A Ph.D.? Sure, it would look nice in the future if I had experience with kids before working on a Ph.D., but it’s not a prerequisite. And it seems a little fake to do something just because “it looks good.” But, what if it hinders my future ability to get a job, once the Ph.D. is done? Do I really want to go through all of that work of a Ph.D., especially knowing I want kids in the next 5 years? Is it fair to them? Is it fair to me?
I found out yesterday that I’ll be student teaching in a 2nd grade classroom in a private school nearby. For some reason, I’m more unnerved by the fact that it’s a private school than I would be with a public school. I suppose it’s because I attended public school until college and I just associate crazy parents, rich parents, (and crazy rich parents) with private school. I know the fall will determine a lot for me, but I also have to start thinking seriously about this Ph.D. now, so I’ll be prepared if that’s the direction I want to go.
I’m glad the summer is coming. It looks like I need to take some time to marinate on a few things…and maybe ask God what direction I should go.